Mum is so scared … 30 – 45 minutes before leaving Musgrove Hospital. Quotes help.
Afraid this will not work because I am not able to tolerate weight gain. It causes incredible pain in mind and body. I can do my best, plus more, that is all I can do.
Be Fearless
Most recent photos of Jack and his best pals Tilly & Buster, and them visiting mum at Musgrove on a very warm Sunday.
HIGH FIVE!
JACK
TILLY
Mum badly needs to hold on to a part of her eating disorder while working towards recovery. She can not for the life of her find hope or be convinced that she is able to make this journey. Surely one can not hold onto any part of an ED and reach full recovery. That little bit will always remain an ember eagerly waiting for a whisper of breeze to reignite an ED again.
SHE DEARLY WISHES TO HOLD ONTO A WANT …
Commenced yesterday, 19th July (Sheppard Ward, MPH)
Mum is terribly terribly frightened of this. Her greatest fear is recovery – she doesn’t want to feel this way though.
Then a call came out of the blue late morning. She has to be at the Eating Disorder Unit tomorrow at 1030 as a bed has become available.
This is [supposed] to be great news but for mum this is hard to manage as it was a shock (considering a letter from the unit dated the 13th said no beds were available, and this was unlikely to change in the immediate future).
Some may shout and say well this is what mum has wanted. All she is trying to express is there has been little time for her to process the imminent change. Time to process change or an eventual change is paramount to her managing. Obviously under these conditions it is not possible. It’s only little Ness who is acutely sensitive and intensely scared.
So as the time away from home, to receive treatment, enters the 6th week – a new phase begins.
Mum holds an immense fear of gaining any more weight having gained 3kg since re-feeding, constant bed rest and 1 to 1 24/7 commenced nearly 5 weeks ago. There is more to this than weight gain alone – there is also the fear of allowing the physical body to benefit from any kind of nourishment. The guilt and discomfort is close to being unbearable.
What the plan is from now on, mum prays, will reveal itself this coming week …
Despite mum being in hospital JackSpratt Jewellery has been in production. To be honest mum has been told by her CPN she is doing too much. Therefore orders (from nursing staff, those special-ing mum and a phlebotomist!) are on hold while she takes time out for herself to do colouring in, for example. However it is marvellous to have the support from staff, raising monies for Border terrier Welfare UK.
Something is slightly out of balance if mum is getting up at 5 – 5.30am worrying about what she must make & complete that day! Here are a few examples:
Time has flown by (nearly a month) since mum went into hospital. I think most will know this is due to being dangerously underweight. In this time Mum has gone from being NG fed entirely to having breakfast, lunch and supper in addition to 1000kcal via NG feed over night. Mum is troubled and distressed by her weight gain combined with being on bed rest and being specialed constantly. The wheelchair has been the only way she can get around. Logically she knows the weight gain is good and a tiny weeny step towards going home – but she admits to the anorexic voice being very very loud, persistent and wholly convincing. It’s the battle of all battles.
Mum is constantly occupied either making jewellery, painting (some water colour pencils were sent to her in the post – if someone knows who this is from please let me know as mum wants to thank them, out of the bottom of her heart) …
… colouring in, blogging and learning new tips for craft making from those specialising her, for example. Mum has met some special HCAs, those of which will go on to remain friends. A boon for mum. The HCA sat with mum all day (I pity them BOL) may take her out from the ward in the wheel chair ward for fresh air or coffee breaks at the M&S cafe! Actually the days go by quickly, there’s no question of ever being bored … the fear and distress of weight gain, as well as the nutrition is diluted by distraction to the best of her ability.
I visited mum this evening thanks to Aunty Jo. Mum was able to locate some noms from the ward in the form of an apple but I had to share this with Buster and Tilly Pfft! Our time together is priceless.
Cuddles
Captivated by the helicopter land
Hurry up and give me apple I am bowing!
Mum what do you look like?!
You are a treasure
Jack, Tilly & Buster
Smile buddies I think there’s apple coming!
Sir Jack Spratticus my dog, my hero - no longer with us but continue on the journey he helped me start. 